


Losing Count, My Love

by tealpenguinz



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-07 06:50:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17361068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tealpenguinz/pseuds/tealpenguinz
Summary: Kyungsoo and Jongin learn how to lose count. Only more so as they learn to lose count while losing each other.





	Losing Count, My Love

_**October, 2018** _

 

“There you are,” Jongin speaks up as soon as he spots Kyungsoo sitting by the ledge of the roof.

The younger sighs in relief. He’d been looking for Kyungsoo hours ago. And here he is, curling into himself to warm him up under the dark midnight sky.

“I-I just...” Kyungsoo pauses then turns to sigh. The former doesn’t mention it, but it’s clear that there was something bothering him. “The sky: it looks beautiful doesn’t it?” He comments as soon as Jongin settles himself beside him.

The younger hums as he glances to the vast array of stars twinkling above them. Slowly, they drift to a comfortable silence.

“But you know what I have realised?” Kyungsoo says after a thought, “the number of stars wouldn’t matter. You have the moon – it’s your center.”

Jongin was never one for seriousness as he decides to crack a smile at Kyungsoo’s sentiment. “Since when have you been all poetic?”

The older faces him with a smile of his own flashing across his face, “since we had literature. And if I hadn’t known better, I might have even believed that you were listening.”

Jongin pouts, “I have been listening. So you don’t have to worry about me.”

“You’re right, I don’t,” Kyungsoo mutters as he turns back to look at the busy night street.

Finally deciding that they’ve been skirting around each other for weeks now, Jongin decided to just pop the question. “Is there something wrong, hyung?”

At this, Kyungsoo visibly flinches as he tries his best to think of another subject to talk about. But the look on Jongin’s face says otherwise.

“Nothing,” he starts. “It’s just that you have gotten too attached to me. It’s unhealthy.”

_I’ve gotten too attached to you._

“What are you talking about? I’m your bestfriend, of course I’ll react that way.”

“You’ll never know when I’m leaving. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Hyung? It seems like you’re saying goodbye.”

“Nothing. It’s _nothing_. It’s late. I just might be tired. Yeah. Let’s go?”

Reluctantly nodding, Jongin lets it go and tugs Kyungsoo’s hands as he stands up.

 

 

 

**_November, 2018_ **

 

Kyungsoo feels emptier by the growing second; it makes him regret falling in love with the younger boy. He should’ve seen it coming. _He should have._

Baekhyun, a friend of his, would often reassure him that it wasn’t his fault: Kyungsoo just fell in love with his best friend after all. Just. Yes, that definitely earned the former a smack on the arm that may or may not have left a bruise the following day. But that’s another story.

What used to have been hyung this, hyung that, turned to, Jennie this, Jennie that. And Kyungsoo wished that in Jongin’s “clingy state” he hadn’t pushed him away.

What used to have been his and Jongin’s time for hang-outs now became Jongin and Jennie’s time for dates. This left Kyungsoo alone in their shared bedroom most of time. And although he barely admitted to his feelings, he felt lonely without the younger.

“Kyungsoo, are you okay?” Sehun, his and Jongin’s roommate, asks when he takes in his hyung’s exceptionally paler skin and darker, tired eyes.

“It’s hyung to you, you twat. And I’m ﬁne. Work really had just worn me out,” he reasons with a shrug.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” Sehun responds and was about to get a slap on his head if it weren’t for the words he spoke next. Kyungsoo didn’t say anything in return. He just drops his hands and retreated back to his room, sighing wistfully.

 

-

 

Kyungsoo obviously overestimated his capacity to hold his liquor as he feels himself staggering to reﬁll his cup. Baekhyun had showed up with bottles of soju earlier in the day as he, Sehun, Kyungsoo and Jongin were supposed to be gathered in the youngers’ shared apartment to celebrate Kyungsoo’s promotion.

Jongin hasn’t shown himself, yet. He’s probably out with his girlfriend. Yes, girlfriend. Kyungsoo angrily sloshes his drink as he brims it to the cup and chugs it down. The drink was burning through his throat but that didn’t stop him from wanting more. Though, his friends may think otherwise.

“Kyungsoo-ah, I think that’s enough.” Baekhyun quips and the rest slowly turned their attention to the said boy.

He only scoffs and waves it off, “I’m ﬁne, Baek, don’t worry about me so much.”

Clearly, he shouldn’t have said that.

_One hiccup._

_Two hiccups._

“I’m gonna be back,” Kyungsoo manages to announce before running to the bathroom to puke.

He felt himself sobering a bit after that episode, but he still had to face a massive hangover the next day. Deciding to sit on the toilet lid, his eyes caught a glimpse of his reﬂection in the mirror. That’s when he realized how utterly broken he was. He was just a shell of who he once was.

“Why don’t you just tell him how you feel? It’ll make moving on easier, hyung.”

Sehun’s words ring at the back of his head. But he chose to ignore it because Kyungsoo feels that he absolutely shouldn’t.

One teardrop.

Two teardrops.

Kyungsoo lost count after that.

And that night he learned that crying alone is okay, too.

 

-

 

Kyungsoo woke up, clutching his throbbing head. Taking a cold shower ﬁrst, he then put it in himself to clean up their apartment.

The ﬁrst thing he sees when comes to the living room was bottles of soju scattered everywhere. Nobody was awake, yet, except for him.

Grabbing a garbage bag, he began to gather the empty containers and placed them accordingly.

He knew he finds out the hard way that it would’ve been better to have taken in a few pain relievers before tending to his chores, because slipping on the mat to fall on the, now, broken crystal shards was something bigger he didn’t want to have to clean up.

Kyungsoo winces as he sat up, blood was now ﬂuidly running down his palms, where he had gotten cut the most, down to his elbows and on to the ﬂoor.

“Hyung? Are you okay? What happened?” The older jumps at the sound of the voice.

It was Jongin. _It was only ever Jongin._

Noticing his attire, Kyungsoo guesses he was up for his morning jog.

“I’m okay. Go do your thing. I’ll clean up,” he replies meekly but the younger shook his head.

“You’re bleeding, I can’t possibly leave you here.” _It’s okay. I’m used to it._ _Really._ Kyungsoo wanted to say but shakes his head. Jongin didn’t know, and for that reason alone, it could never be his fault.

The taller of the two then hoists Kyungsoo up and lets him sit on one of the counter chairs as he cleans up the wounds. Neither had said anything, but the thunderous beating of Kyungsoo’s heart would be the tell-tale.

“You know,” he starts and Jongin looks up at him. No going back out now.

He sighs before continuing, “we never got to spend time hanging out anymore.”

“Hyung, I–”

“It’s alright, Jongin. I understand you have to be with Jennie.” Kyungsoo mutters as he lowers his head. The grip on his hands tighten noticeably making him look up at the other.

“Are we okay?” He asks and Kyungsoo nods, “why wouldn’t we be?” he tilts his head as scans the taller’s expressions as Jongin stops dabbing the alcohol-soaked cotton on his wounds.

“I just feel like you’re still keeping something from me. Is there anything you want to tell me?” Jongin just dropped the bomb and Kyungsoo swallows thickly. As he was about to give an excuse, the taller of the two spoke up. “Do you hate me, Kyungsoo-hyung?”

The tension in the air thickens when neither one of them speaks up.

This time, the older decides to break the silence, “I couldn’t ever hate you, Jongin. I can’t blame you if you’ve already found someone to love. I can’t even blame Jennie because there’s absolutely nothing to hate about her. She’s recently the reason why you keep smiling, and I couldn’t hate her for that.”

Jongin drops his hand and stares at the older altogether.

“I’m going to fetch the bandages.” He ﬁnally replies and starts walking away when Kyungsoo calls him out.

“Wait,” he pauses and contemplates before continuing. He believes he couldn’t lose anything anymore when he’s already left with nothing. “I love you, Jongin-ah. I didn’t get to tell you, but now I ﬁnally could.”

There was nothing but silence resonating in the dorm. Kyungsoo hears nothing else save for the door that slams shut, signifying that Jongin had already walked out of the room – out of Kyungsoo’s life.

The blood runs continuously down to his ﬁngers and on to the ﬂoor from the lack of pressure. He just leaves them be.

One drop of blood.

Two drops of blood.

Kyungsoo loses count.

 

 

 

**_December, 2018_ **

 

The following week had been a torture to him. Jongin had successfully avoided the older but Kyungsoo did nothing about it. He couldn’t be selﬁsh anymore.

To say that his friends were worried was an understatement. Sometimes Sehun would ﬁnd Kyungsoo almost cutting off his ﬁngers when preparing a meal because he tends to zone out, or when Baekhyun would step in and help in kitchen duties because Kyungsoo would use his bare hands to check if the water was boiling. It didn’t help that they have work, too. Both men involved would avoid each other continuously. His friends couldn’t do anything but leave them be, because neither Kyungsoo or Jongin would give an answer anyway.

 

-

 

“Kyungsoo?”

“Yes, sir?” He replies as his executive beckons him over.

“Since you have recently been promoted, how would you feel about managing the company’s branch in New York?”

“I-I would be glad to! But…” That’s when the words truly sink in. _New York._ It’s a whole other world out there.

“I assume you need time to think?”

He nods quietly, not fully trusting his voice.

The executive nods, “alright, I’m giving you three days to decide. Just know that this opportunity only comes up once in a while. I’d rather not have you regret it.”

“I understand. And, uh, thank you.” Kyungsoo answers understandingly before exiting the room.

 

-

 

A day before he gets to have his ﬁnal decision, he calls Baekhyun and Sehun to let them know.

They gathered in the living room, faces contorted with confusion. “Is something the matter, Kyungsoo?” Baekhyun pipes up the moment they are all seated. Everyone, other than Jongin who wasn’t in the room. Kyungsoo believes it is better this way, it makes it a lot easier.

His friends keep silent the time he relays his executive’s words to them. They still do the minute he’s done and it makes him feel guiltier the more seconds had passed.

“Please, say something.” He says dejectedly and afraid. Would they despise him?

“I could always decline–” Kyungsoo stops himself the moment he is bombarded with Baekhyun and Sehun’s hugs and both wearing identical, bright smiles.

“We’re happy for you, Soo!”

“Don’t even think about declining that offer, Do Kyungsoo.” Sehun pipes up and hugs him even tighter.

For the first time in a while, Kyungsoo smiles.

 

-

 

Kyungsoo just finished packing up his luggage the morning of the day he leaves because responsible as he is, he is drained by his friends nagging at him ’til early dawn about the dos and don’t’s in New York. He didn’t mind, though, if anything, he was thankful.

“So, you’re really leaving?” Kyungsoo spins around to see the owner of the voice and he falters.

“I- I’m sorry, Jongin-ah.” He replies quietly.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t think it would be that important or that you’d care anymore.”

“Is this about Jennie?”

“W-what–”

“Hyung, you know I love her and–” Kyungsoo decides the he doesn’t need to be reminded over and over. “I know that, Jongin! And you should know how much it hurts to see the person you love with someone else. If only it was that easy to control what I feel when I’m around you. Well here you have it, I’m ﬁnally letting you go,” he pauses to catch his breath.

Jongin still hasn’t said anything.

“I don’t want us to ﬁght anymore. I don’t want to go carrying this load with me. If anything, I just want to remember our happiest memories. Is that too much ask, Jongin-ah?”

The younger keeps his silence. And Kyungsoo took it as his sign to leave. He slowly walked towards Jongin and stopped a few inches away. “Could you smile for me?” he asks and although he could tell that the other male was confused, he still gave in to Kyungsoo’s request.

Jongin smiled but it isn’t the one where his eyes would crinkle and form into crescents. Yet, it was enough for Kyungsoo. He knows where he stands. The smile that he wishes to see was only reserved for a few – a few that excludes him.

“Better,” he notes and kisses Jongin’s lips for the ﬁrst and the last time.

It was then that Kyungsoo wondered if fate hated him, because the minute he pulls away, the younger’s phone rings and the picture ﬂashes itself on the screen. It was Jennie and Jongin’s ﬁrst picture together as a couple. And Kyungsoo may not want to admit it, but it was the happiest Jongin has ever been.

“You should go to her, I’m not holding you back anymore.” He steps away and grabs his bags, but Jongin keeps unmoving.

“Hyung, I–” Kyungsoo shakes his head, and effectively prevents him from continuing.

“You should be with someone who makes you smile like that. So please promise me one thing, Jongin,” his breath hitches and ﬁnally goes to say, “please continue being happy.”

Kyungsoo ﬁnally turns around and heads to the door, sighing heavily as he faces the freezing wind. His footsteps fading in the distance.

 

 

 

**_January, 2019_ **

 

Jongin wakes up with a start. Kyungsoo’s words seemed to have taken its toll on him and he didn’t get a wink of sleep. The words – they scare him.

Deciding to get up, he trudges towards the shower to dust the remnants of sleep off. And soon after he dries himself off, a knock reverberates throughout the room.

“Come in.”

“Hey,” Sehun greets as he welcomes himself into the threshold of Jongin’s room.

“What do you need?” Jongin asks, staring at the figure in front of him.

“Are you okay? We barely saw you out these days and it’s a new year today.” the younger starts carefully, knowing how much he’s treading in deep waters.

“He left. How am I supposed to feel?” Jongin retorts, tears threatening to fall from his eyes.

“You know, the reason why Kyungsoo didn’t want to tell you earlier was because he knew how you’d be.” Sehun tries to reason with him.

“But why? Didn’t it cross his mind that maybe I’d understand?” He almost yells angrily – almost.

Sehun just smiles instead and hands him a gift wrapped in brown paper. “I’ll leave you to it then.” He adds before leaving Jongin to himself.

 

 

 

> _Hey,_
> 
> _How are you doing? I hope you’re eating well and taking good care of yourself._
> 
> _I hope you and Jennie are doing lovely as you always are._
> 
> _Sehun and Baekhyun, do they miss me? I definitely do. Winters are much colder here now that I think about it, but so far, being out here does me good._
> 
> _Ah, here I am again blabbering about my boring life._
> 
> _I guess I just really wanted to apologise about the way I left. It was unfair of me to keep you alone in the dark. And I felt that it didn’t matter much to you anymore. We were just so busy, you and I._
> 
> _I was just so used to watching you from afar and it was selfish of me think that you’d feel the same way I did. Like the wind, it was just so difficult to catch you._
> 
> _But then again, you’re someone who I can never have, someone I’d have a hard time forgetting even if it’s the best for me. I need to let you go. Not just for me, but for you as well._
> 
> _Hyung loves you the most, remember that._
> 
> _Goodbye, Jongin..._
> 
> _I hope you’ll have the happiest year._
> 
>  
> 
> _\- Do Kyungsoo._

 

 

One tear drop.

Two tear drops.

Jongin loses count.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I'm not clearly proud of this because it is rushed. I only wrote, edited and finished this in a few hours time. That being said I barely reviewed and proof-read the story, so I apologize for any mistakes you may find while reading. As you can probably tell, it is a Non-AU oneshot so some of the details here actually happened, but obviously the KaiSoo bit didn't. You reached the end and I'm happy the description didn't throw you off and I hope you enjoyed?
> 
> Slight disclaimer that I do NOT hate any of the characters mentioned and that I actually wrote this a few days ago but I just didn't have enough time to recheck and edit it. This is just the way I coped with the news and how much my heart broke for KaiSoo.


End file.
